5 Shows that Must be Commissioned

Right, I've had it. Television is useless. Useless, useless useless. And rubbish. Here are five television shows that should be commissioned instead.

1. Super Violent Twin Death Match - In this first, never-before-seen-(apart-from-possibly-in-America), live show, two sets of famous twins will compete to the death for your amusement. The first set, often dubbed the most annoying thing to emerge from Simon Cowell's womb, weighing in at zero pounds due to the helium balloons attached to their hair areeee.... JEDWARD. They face a pair of shop-owning ginger twins with magic. You heard me right: gingers with magic. What could be more terrifying. You're right, it's........ FRED AND GEORGE WEASELY. Who will win? Will Divine Retribution interfere to save our souls from blasphemous renditions of Queen? Will Voldermort butt in and try to ? Will a crazed fangirl jump in, shout the word twincest and make the whole ordeal a little bit tasteless. All will be revealed in Super Violent Twin Death Match.
2. Weekly Apologies on The Apology Channel - Every week, each Member of Parliament will appear on this new terrestrial channel (to replace Channel FIVE) and you will hear live as they apologise for everything they've done wrong or haven't done that week. Any MP who has too much to apologise for will have to carry on in to the next week's show. Next Week - Nick Clegg apologise for promising not to break promises, then breaking a promise and trying to make the students look bad for it.
3. Surprise Sex Switcharoo! - In this gritty new reality show, we choose people at random from the electoral register, go round their house, kidnap them and then give them the sex change they've (secretly) already wanted! This show will go right from the moment that we bash them round the head, right through their reaction at their new sexual identity, through the impending lawsuit to the point where they finally begin to accept their true self. This show will explore societies views to gender and sexuality. Trained professionals such as Dale Winton and Fearne Cotton will be on hand to help the victims with their inevitable emotional struggle. 
4. Morgan Freeman Narrates Your Life on the Your Life Channel - Everyone deserves to be able to occasionally watch parts of their day through again. And what a better way to do this than by this being accompanied by the soothing and objective voice of Morgan Freeman. Watch as Freeman makes your seemingly mundane life of eating, sleeping and going to buy milk sound majestic and meaningful. Customers have often commented that Freeman's narration of coitus is both complimentary and exquisite. Happy customers have already included a bunch of penguins walking across the South Pole! Amazing! You can also have your life narrated by Dave Lamb (Come Dine With Me) Michael Buerk (Ethiopan Famine), Your Mum and yourself in Ten years time. For just £50 a week, the possibilities are endless!
5. Let's Make Fun of Stupid People LOL! - Sorry, I was going to suggest that we create a program where people just poke fun of people they feel are not as intelligent as themselves or are ignorant is some way, shape or form but then I realised that X-Factor, Britain's Got Talent and most other television programs had that sorted.

Hazel
- Really wants to know what happened to "My Man Boobs and Me"